Confusion to Cry
by Sylentia Levin
Summary: alicenine. Shou is confused with his feelings and ended up crying in the arms of a man he thought he'd never set eyes on. Shou/Saga


Confusion to Cry

Confusion to Cry

He just looks so carefree and far from uneasy, his smile able to melt anyone's heart and his laugh sounding like a peaceful melody. Loving him for simply being him… His goofy, carefree, and easy-going character… It's as if I've fallen in love…

This can't be guilt or regret that I'm feeling, it's something else. It's not even love or a simple crush, not even the desire to possess, possibly. Then what is this feeling?

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel now. And even if I do, could I feel the way I'm supposed to feel? I'm just so mixed up inside. I'm laughing here with my friends and I'm maybe having the time of my life, but at the same time I feel like I wanna cry my heart out. But why I don't even know.

Is it maybe because I'm just plain emo or is it because I'm unstable? Maybe I have emotional problems or maybe I'm bipolar…? Or maybe I'm crazy, not knowing what to think, feel, hear, see or believe anymore…

I'm surrounded by people who love me, who I know will always be there for me, but why do I feel so lonely? Is it because I'm really alone or am I just plain ungrateful? All I wanna do is cry but why should I when I don't have a reason to?

"Shou, daijoubu desu ka?"

"Huh?" I turned to the voice and noticed that it was Hiroto asking me.

"Daijoubu desu ka? You seem bothered," he asked again, worry reflected in his eyes. He was just like a little brother to me and he could almost always tell when there's something wrong with me.

"Daijoubu desu. There's just a bit too much stuff inside my head… I'll have to get it out of my system later," I lied, and Hiroto just nodded. I knew he didn't buy a word of what I said, but he knows that I just don't wanna talk about it.

"Thanks," I mumbled, and he nodded a small smile, flashing one worried look at me one more time, before turning back to the guys and trying to catch up at whatever they were talking about.

Why don't I do the same, you ask?

Because I don't feel like it.

I may sound snappish, but that's just how I feel. My mind's in scrambles, my feelings are whisked together and it'll just take a few minutes for all of it to become one huge cake and all it'll need is one half an hour in the oven.

I'm turning crazy.

Sometimes I even feel things would be better off if I'd just die. But would it really be better off? Will it be worse? Will anyone remember me? If no, then why? If yes, than what will I be remembered for? The vocalist of alicenine.? Only that?

So shallow, the minds of men. Or maybe it's only me?

My thoughts are reeling…

"Ne, Hiroto, ima nanji desu ka?" I asked him quietly, and he gave a glance at his watch.

"It's still one p.m. Why? You wanna go somewhere?"

"No… I mean, uh, yeah, um, my room, I think I left my cellphone there," I said curtly and I got onto my feet, stuffing my hands in my pockets and walking out of the living room in my usual fast-paced steps, maybe set a bit too fast than usual, but who cares anyway? Nobody might notice, except Pon maybe, but he knows that I want to be alone at the moment.

I reached the front door of my room and open it, stepping inside the room. I forgot why I wanted to come up here… My cellphone? It was actually on the livingroom coffee table… With nothing obviously to do, I shut the door and sunk against it, my elbows meeting my knees and my fingers running through my hair. I don't feel like going back there

I've lost track of things.

Maybe it's the feeling of knowing that nobody cares for you… But what am I saying? I'm not a lost teenager, nor am I having an identity crisis or any of the sort. I'm 26 and I have to deal with things. I have to learn and cope with it because that's what I have to do, right? As an adult, I have to do so…

But what if you're feeling so lost at one point you don't know what to do anymore? A strong desire to be left alone is present but then again, there is the fear of being so.

I'm at the point where I don't know where to go.

What if I got what I wanted? Everything that I wanted… Would I be happy? Yes I would… But somewhere deep down in my heart I know that I won't be. There's this empty space in my… Heart? Soul? Feelings? Mind?

I don't even know… There's just this empty feeling somewhere, as if I'm only 99 percent whole… But I can't place my finger on where that last 1 percent is…

-Knock knock knock-

"Shou? You're in there?" I heard someone call me from the other side of the door and I realized that it must be either Saga or Tora… They sound alike to me somehow…

"Tora?" I called out, deciding to just take a wild guess.

"Uh… No, it's uh, Saga. D'you want me to get Tora for you?" he asked, though I could sense a hint of… Regret? Remorse? Sadness? No, maybe disappointment…?

"No, it's okay…" I answered meekly.

Silence ensued between us for a few minutes before he broke it, asking another question.

"Can I come in?" he asked, and I've just realized that I'm still here, sitting in front of the door, blocking it… Should I let him in? Will he ask me things? Will he be worried? Will he care at all? But… why did he come here in the first place if he -

"Shou, can I come in?" he asked once more, a bit more insisting this time and I nodded to myself.

"Yeah sure, hold on," I called out to him, and I stood up, opening the door for him.

"What is it?" I asked him, holding the door handle and standing in the doorway.

"Nothing. I just wanna check on you. You seemed bothered back there and you just suddenly left… the GazettE guys are coming soon you know… Kagrra and Miyavi are half-way here."

"Um, yeah… Uh, can I stay here until they get here, then? I don't really feel like going back."

"Well, can I come in then? You look like as if you need company…"

"Huh?" I frowned, and my mind blanked a few seconds before realizing that I was standing in the doorway and blocking his entry.

"Oh, yeah, sure, sorry, I - um, my mind was blanking for a while there… Yeah, sure, come in," I said, trying to force a smile on my face. I don't know why the hell I had let him in; only Hiroto had entered my room, and that was only twice, once with my permission and once without.

I woke from my thoughts by Saga walking past me and into my room. He immediately sat down on the bed, the only place to sit on, and stared dead at me.

"What's wrong?"

"Huh?"

"What's wrong? It's not like you to be so suddenly depressed. Is there something on your mind?"

"Obviously, yeah. But uh, no. I guess not. It's just a moodswing or something… I'll get over it when the guys get here…"

"Moodswings? Are you having your period or something? You're not a girl, Shou, be serious here," Saga grinned, and he patted the free space on my bed, motioning for me to sit beside him.

"But I could pass as one," I mumbled my reply, not really paying attention to what I was saying. I didn't even think, I just said the first thing that had crossed my mind. I automatically walked over to him and just sat there, not really paying attention to what he said in response - but I did hear him chuckle - and I just sat there in silence.

"You're still a kid," he suddenly said, ruffling my hair. I frowned, finally paying attention, and looked up to him. Even though we're the same age, he's still taller than me, hell, he's the tallest from all of us and he oftenly gets plagued by Hiroto because of it… And he plagues Hiroto back cuz Pon's the youngest and shortest…

"What do you mean I'm still a kid? I'm the same age as you are!" I protested.

"Yeah, but you're still bad at expressing emotions, just like how I knew you when we first met. You haven't changed a bit, kitten."

"Well I'm happy now, and don't call me kitten."

"No you're not happy and I'll call you whatever I want, kit. There's something bugging you isn't there? Why don't you just come and talk to me, or atleast Hiroto? Pon always listens to whatever you have to say, even though he doesn't understand a word of what you're saying," he stated, chuckling, "But he atleast listens."

"The main reason why I don't wanna talk to him about this…"

"Well if you need advice you could always go to Nao?"

"Nah, Nao can't help this time."

"Tora then. You guys are like best friends and all. If you wanna talk to him, I could call him now?"

"No, Tora might get a tad too worried about me…"

"Then who do you wanna talk to then?"

"I dunno. Anybody. Myself. Someone I'm close to and someone I can trust."

"Why not me, then? You're close enough to me. We're still in the same band, we're friends and all."

"Yeah… but…"

But what? Saga's right, why shouldn't I talk to him? There aren't any excuses for me to make… but what do I have to say? There just too many stuff in my head, I dunno where to start…?

"But what? You've got nothing against me, have you?"

"I guess not… But I'd rather keep things like these to myself…"

"You're our vocalist and lyric-writer. If you get sick because of stress, there's no one to fill in for you. What's to be embarrassed about? Just talk, Shou, I won't laugh at you."

Won't he? I mean, all I wanna do now is do something to ease the stress… But I don't wanna do anything… Ruki had once mentioned that Aoi threw stuff at the wall - or at random people - to relieve his stress, but I don't really feel like throwing stuff, they're too precious, and I don't wanna hurt people. I… all I feel like doing now is to just… cry.

But men don't cry…

Do they?

"Promise you won't laugh?" I asked, and Saga smiled warmly, too warmly, almost mockingly. Or was it just me? Should I really tell him?

"Promise. What's there to laugh about anyway?" he asked, and I knew he was confused when I answered him with silence.

"Shou? Sorry, I didn't mean to -"

"No. No, it's, um… Can I cry?" I asked, blurting it out, and he frowned.

"What?"

"Can I cry? Like, right now?"

"Well - uh - yeah, sure - but, uh - why?" he asked, obviously confused, but I didn't care. Tears were welling up and I didn't know since when I've become such a softy.

But crying is part of being human…

Right?

"Cause I feel like it," I answered curtly, and the tears spilled. Warm tears ran over my cheeks as he just sat there in silence, dumbfounded, watching me. I've started to feel embarrassed, but I've already begun so why stop now? I bury my face in my hands to ease the shame I'm kind of feeling right now and I just keep on sobbing.

I felt a small movement beside me and I knew he was going to stand up and walk out of here. Maybe he freaked out.

But how surprised I was when he scooted closer and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, holding me in a tight embrace, trapping both of my hands between us. It just felt so comfortable that I didn't want to let go if him, ever. I freed my arms, eliminating the last kind of barrier between us and I held him closer.

I didn't care whether he's a guy or a girl or whether it's actually Saga I'm holding right now, it just felt so comfortable I didn't want to move.

He did though, when my sobs died down and my breathing became steady. He moved away enough just so that he can see my face, and he examined it.

"Right. Feeling better, kit?"

"Yeah… Much better, thanks."

"Sure?"

"Quite."

"Good, then use this so that it won't show," he said, handing me his dark-blue handkerchief.

"What won't show?" I asked as I took it from him, wiping my eyes and cheeks.

"That you've been crying. If you let it flow the your eyes are gonna swell up. See? Much better."

"Arigato," I smiled weakly as I handed it back.

"Doiteshimashite. What was it about, anyway? Your screwed up love life?" he tried to joke.

"No, I don't have a love life -"

"Then maybe you need one."

"No, I don't need it! I don't need a love life and it's not about my screwed up love life either. Well, not most of it. There were other things too."

"Ah. So you _do_ have a love life…" he interrupted me again, smiling devilishly.

"Saga, shut up," I snapped and continued, "I'm just so confused. Stressed out like hell…" I confessed, and he suddenly looked worried as if he actually cared from the bottom of his heart.

_Yeah right, I wish…_

"Then take some rest. I'll tell the others that you're sick or something?" he offered, looking really worried, but I shrugged it off.

"Iie, daijoubu desu, I'll manage. I really wanna see Ruki anyways."

"Well okay… But you should really tell me if you're feeling weird like this, ok? We all don't want our cutely big-eyed vocalist to get sick," he smiled as he stood up and handed me his hand to help me on my feet as well. I took it and smiled back at him.

"Okay. I guess I have a new diary now," I told him as we walked over to the door to get out and go back to the living room dowstairs.

"Yeah, a hot, drop-dead gorgeous, good-looking new diary," he joked, and I playfully punched him on his shoulders.

"Narcissistic little ass," I insulted him and he only chuckled.

"Yeah, but you love me for it, don't you? Hahahahaha…" he joked, laughing freely, he laughter sounding like a peaceful melody, walking ahead of me.

_Peaceful melody…__ Loving him for simply being him…_

I froze on the spot and I just realized, that I do. I _do_ love the narcissistic blonde bassist for it. I've just realized that it's been Saga I've been staring at the whole time in the livingroom, and it wasn't Tora at all. I just convinced myself that it was the tall raven I was observing because he happened to be sitting right next to Saga…

Damn.

Just when I thought my problems were eased by a few litres of tears, they were added by a few small words.

Damn again.

"Shou. Hey, Shou? What's up, kitten? You feeling sick? Wanna cry again?" Saga asked, a bit worried, adding the end as a small joke, walking back from his spot ahead of me to the place where I am now standing, frozen like a statue.

"Uh no… I was just thinking… Uh Saga… Can I ask you something?"

"Uh yeah, sure. What is it?"

"Why do you care about me so much?" I asked, and he frowned.

"Well. You're alicenine.'s main asset, of course I care! Besides, you're my friend."

"Oh. Okay then."

So he only cares for me because I'm alicenine.'s most important asset. Right. Well, there goes my chance. But then again, what chance? Honestly. I don't even really know whether it's a crush or not, and I _know_ that this disappointed feeling that I'm now having is just because I'm feeling lonely…

Right?

Right.

That's just such a total lie.

"Hey shortcake. Are you sure you're not sick?" Saga asked, his face suddenly up close to mine, separated by a mere centimetres, the back of his hand pressed to my forehead. I know that I must be blushing now because he's laughing and patting my cheek and my face is feeling rather hot… Hell yeah I'm blushing… Kuso.

"Your face is all cutely red… And you're a bit warm. What're you embarrassed about?"

"I'm not embarrassed!"

"Then why are you blushing, hmm, kit?"

Right. How the hell am I gonna answer that?

"I, uh…"

"You don't have to answer that. If you did, it'd probably get me in trouble as well. Come on, let's go, I think they're -"

"Saga! Shou! Miyavi's here with Kagrra!! They say that the GazettE's stuck in traffic!! Get down here!" Hiroto called from downstairs, cutting Saga off, and he smiled with his eyes closed tiredly, letting Pon's words sink in.

"Yes, they're here and they've arrived," he mumbled, more to himself than to me, and then he turned his eyes on me, saying, "You heard what little cute baby shortcake Hiro-Pon just said, so let's get downstairs," he said, and he turned on his heels.

"Hey Saga, wait."

"Yeah?"

"Uh… Thanks. For everything. Don't tell anybody about my crying thingy… Okay?"

"Yeah okay. I promise."

"Thanks. Love you, really do," I smiled, and then I suddenly clasped my hand against my mouth as I realized at what I had just said.

Great. Now where did the hell did _that _ come from?! Stupid, stupid, stupid, conscience of mine!!

Saga seemed a tad surprised at my words -- of course he would, I mean who the hell _wouldn't _?! -- but he smiled nonetheless and took it the way I hoped he wouldn't take.

"Yeah sure. Love you too, kitten - uh, I mean, Shou. C'mon, let's go, they're waiting for us," and he turned on his heels, descending down the stairs, greeting Izumi as the first person he saw.

Thank God that saying "I Love You" has a meaning that's more than one… Or I'd be in deep trouble…

I walked down the stairs, following Saga, and I immediately got attacked by Miyavi who complemented me for being cattishly-cute and agreed on Saga's "kitten"-nickname for me. Ruki and the gang had just arrived as well and I glomped Ruki by surprise as Miyavi practically jumped on poor Kai.

I'm not saying that my worries have left nor has it evaporated. It's just buried for the moment, or maybe it has disappeared along with my tears? My worries haven't gone anywhere, that I know for sure, and maybe it has jst increased. But I know that I'm feeling happy for now and that I should just live in the present and not the past…

-DRRT DRRT DRRT-

My cellphone vibrated on the coffee table and Nao kindly handed it over to me. I had just received a new message, and it was from Saga. I curiously opened it and smiled to myself as I read the words.

_Saying "I Love U" lyk tht is vry dngrous, ppl cld take it th wrg way. I hope tht u meant wht i thought u meant tho, cuz maybe thts how i feel bout u -- _沙我_--_

So. He likes me. That just leaves the last question. Do I like him?

I took a glance at his laughing features, smiling brightly and joking around with Miyavi and Reita, his cellphone still in his hands… And he glanced back at me.

Do I like him back?

I don't know.

But I could definitely try.

And find out what'll happen next.

** OWARI **

* * *

okay, i don't think that's a real good story cuz it sucked to rvrn me... it's so fluffy, i think.. anyways, R&R please..!!

* * *


End file.
